February 28th-An Ode

"Today, when I think back
to the last February day
I can't seem to remember
How 5 years have flown away.

An upright man in an upright chair
I'll never forget the dried blood everywhere
The scene of death and rigor mortis
My brother and I will always share.

I was half expecting the moment,
Never realizing how soon dad would be heaven sent,
A part of me cried,
And a little part died.

Life has been a blur since then,
I try not to relive the memories,
But then February 28th rolls along,
And no matter where I run,
It is for home I yearn and long"

Bangalore

It's been exactly 1 year and 5 months since I stepped off the Chennai Mail onto the dusty platform of Cantonment Railway Station. As I got off the train, a grinning Febi came walking up, dressed in his favorite blue Peter England shirt and slacks. I'll never forget that moment.

Flashback 5 years to a dusty room filled with wooden benches and a couple of nervous first year engineering students too scared to eat lunch at the Cafeteria for fear of getting hazed. I'm sitting alone in a corner wondering how many friends I am going to make over the next 4 years. There were two other guys in the room, and one walked over and introduced himself to me- "Hey, I'm Febi" and minutes later introduced me to the other guy, a large(at the time, not any more) bespectacled dude called DJ. Febi's second question to me was -" When's your Birthday?". Startled as I was by this sudden interrogation, I wanted to be a little more open than my usual introverted self and said -"17th July!". And febi was like "NO WAY!" We traded ID's and the rest is history.

Now fast forward to a garden in college, and Febi, DJ and me are laughing at this guy in a floral print shirt, boot cut jeans and black boots. I remember thinking "Who wears boots?..sheesh, loser". Pavan ended up becoming a great buddy and the target of many of my jokes.

Though a brief swimming pool encounter a decade ago is highly disputable, DJ and me met through Febi and we instantly found we had plenty of things in common - Sarcasm, Pavan pranks, evil pranks on our siblings and a desire to stop using the college bus and come by car or bike.

Basically, all I'm trying to convey to you, my readers(if you are still here), is that my friends are a very important part of my life. And I hope, that bond will remain tight for the rest of their life and mine.

4 years , many late night study sessions, movie marathons later, I decided to pursue my fortunes in the Land of Opportunity. And now, here I am, pining for home. I cant return until December 2007.

F***in Crap!

Oh my God!

I use the G word a lot, Oh My god, being one of my favorites. On the surface, I do not feel the need to acknowledge the prescence of God. Subconsciously, I do. And as I grow more distant from God, I also get closer, because, the active thought process of distancing myself, is neverttheless, a godly thought, thereby also bringing me closer.
Before I continue, I don't know if I like the word "God". I prefer the term: " The collective image of our hopes and faith in a 'being' we believe is superior to us, who watches over us and guides us along the obstacle filled road we call Life". Everyone in the world, regardless of faith, believes in a higher life form, whatever they wish to call it. It could be friendly, demonic, mean, good or just an old man like George Burns.
In the 1977 movie "Oh God!", George Burns played a droll deity who uses pithy one-liners and a grocery store manager to tell the world that it has everything it needs to work. Simple, and without getting into lengthy discussions of theology or religion, it just tells us we have to stop waiting for miracles and just get things done.
Now, everytime I think of god, an old man in a red flannel shirt, horn rimmed glasses and a fishing cap pops into my mind. I like it. Something believable. Isn' t that what we all need? Just like how Ben Kingsley's face comes to my mind everytime I think of Gandhi.
Personally, being in conflict with myself about the existence of God keeps me going. It works good for me both ways. I need him before job interviews, and tests and I dont need him when people die without explanation, or before I could say goodbye.
In the end, if God did exist, he'd be a comedian just like George Burns.

Brrrrr....Cold!

Lately I've been bragging a lot. About braving two Chicago winters wearing just one winter jacket, no thermals and travelling all over the city using the CTA over 5 months of brutal sub-zero temperatures, wind-chill factors, lake effect snow storms and so on.
That was in the beginning of 2006. A good year for me. Moved to California, the Sunshine State in July and enjoyed 3 months of gorgeous summer days. Then on Saturday night, DST was put into place. And now I can sleep for an hour longer, but still be at work by 5.30AM. Now it's getting a little chilly, and I realize I have to buy a carpet! Maybe evn a small oscillating room heater. The mosaic floor is too cold to walk on barefoot in the wee hours of the morning. Has California turned me from a wind-chill braving storm trooper into a wussy beach bum?

The Pains of Moving

Moving. Relocation. Point A to Point B. Pack your bags and leave. Two suitcases and a carton. Some books, some clothes. Decide on the date of the move, book the flight tickets, make temporary arrangements for accomodation and leave. Simple.

Not really. Leaving Chicago was the hardest move I've made yet. Chicago will ALWAYS be my favorite city in the whole world. Chicago was the city in which I first stood on my own two feet, came out of my shell, made friends, walked into a Subway and demanded a job, worked 5 hrs every day, paid my own rent, studied my ass off and still got B's(Dammnit!). Also, my room mates and across the hall neighbors were great people to chill with.

Now, zoom out, pan 2500 miles to the west, and you suddenly find yourself in a strange new city. Liberal, artsy, hippy town,.. whatever you may want to call it. The first few weeks were great! I bought a new car( a spanking new 2006 Honda Civic Coupe EX), started working, spent my free time searching for an apartment( and finally got it, its where I'm writing this blog from) and buying furniture off Craigslist and Ikea.
Then the second month rolled along, and now I started spending time exploring the city, depending on just my driving skills and a total lack of navigational and directional sense. It was great fun. I spent 4 weekends figuring out how to get to all the important places. Pub, Gym, One good Indian restaurant, Grocery Store and work.
Now what? Fuck. I need friends.I dont have any. The last thing you want to do is meet people from work over the weekend and relive the work week. But I'm desperate. I've tried Craigslist, relatives. Nothing. I dont follow Football or Baseball, so that makes it that much more difficult.

On sunday, I'm joining a Coed Soccer team. That might be fun. Last Sunday, I met a Scotsman who bought me Guiness at Englander's Sports Pub. he was fun to talk to, especially since I've always wanted a Scottish accent. It's sooo coool! This weekend, I'm meeting an old high school friend and we're going into the city!
Things are looking up. I still get bored out of my skull on weeknights, but weekends are slownly becoming something to look forward to.
But, San Francisco will never be Chicago. And my friends at Bailey Hall will always be missed.
Nikhil, Sandy, Prajvin, Kartik, Rajiv, Kaushal and Dwarka. This is for you.

Train of Thought

At age 16, sitting cross-legged on a straw mat under a thatched roof on a brick terrace, I was initiated into a discussion with other friends. That discussion resulted in no heated arguments, or raised voices or fiery tempers. Instead, it was one question that opened a hornet's nest of other questions, and had no outcome, except for leaving one particular individual filled with thoughts. Thoughts that haven't left me to this very night, prompting me to address my confusion by penning more thoughts, before they just ebb away and lie unattended for another couple of years.

At age 25, Life has taken me all over the its litlle cross-roads and has finally brought me to a little in-law studio in Oakland, California, where I lie awake at 11.30PM, sleepless(because of a sugar-high possibly induced by Chocolate Gelato) trying to find answers to my 9 year old question.

What is Silence?
Is Silence the lack of noise? Is it a state of vacuum? Or is the answer something more profound? I truly believe the answer to this question will bring me peace. And I am troubled, I'll tell you that much. There's not a single moment, when my head isn't overflowing with a runaway train of thoughts threatening to derail itself. I've had a tough life, and that in turn, has made me a person who introspects very very often.

I believe, Silence is the state of mind when it is completely devoid of thought. Is that possible? Doesn't that put you in a vegetative state? How do you know comatose people have no thought process? Do you see what just happened? Rather, than thinking about silence, once I posed my question, it instead triggered a chain of thought processes that refuse to stay down, in turn, evoking and provoking a whole bunch of new thoughts. Where does it end? It never does. The great Indian Sages who stood on one leg on top of the mountains and meditaed for divine knowledge..do you think they ever experienced Silence in its true form? I dont think so, their minds may have been at peace, but at the same time, it was churning and boiling over in its quest for something it did not have, that it believed it could obtain from more mystic sources.

And I leave you here, abruptly, on your behind, thinking about the same Silence. If you ever find out, let me know. Or write a book, become a famous Yogi. But still, let me know.

"Pin drop Silence in the class, yeveryone!"